POETRY FROM THE DARKSIDE

THE LIMERICK SECTION

 

VICTOR'S A WITCH

 

VICTOR THE SCIENTIST WAS MAD

STRANGE THINGS THAT HE DID DOWN HIS LAB

HE DECIDED TO SWITCH, HIS BRAIN WITH A WITCH

NOW VICTOR SITS DOWN ON THE LAV.

 

BUT VICTOR DON'T WANT TO SWITCH BACK

WEARS DRESSES IN DEEP SHADES OF BLACK

POOR VICTOR'S CONFUSED, AND BOUGHT WOMENS SHOES

TOLD HIS WIFE AND SHE GAVE HIM A SLAP.

 

 

 

GORGEOUS IGOR

 

THERE WAS AN OLD FREAK CALLED IGOR

HAD A FACE THAT HIS MOTHER ADORED

SHE SAID FROM THE START, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA BREAK ANY MORE.

 

HIS MUM SAID HIS FACE WAS AMAZING

SHE SAID IT WOULD SEND PULSES RACING

BUT SHE GAVE IT A MISS, WHEN HE ASKED FOR A KISS

COZ  SHE DOSEN'T KNOW WHICH WAY HE'S FACING.

 

 

THE WIFFY WITCH 

THERE WAS AN OLD WITCH NAMED BELLA

WHO HAD DIFFICULTY FINDING A FELLA

HER BREATH SMELT SO BAD, WHAT MAKE THIS TALE SAD

IS EVERYONE'S TOO SCARED TO TELL HER.

 

 

THE WINDY WIZARD 

THERE WAS A YOUNG WIZARD CALLED STEVE

WHO WAS WINDY AND VERY NIEVE

CLASSMATES COULD TELL, WHEN HE STARTS TO SMELL

HIS TEACHER WOULD ASK HIM TO LEAVE.

 

THE TEACHER SAID STEVE NOT SO FAST

IVE A POTION I HAVE HERE FOR YOUR GAS

NOW STEVE'S SUCH A TWIT, THE CLASSROOMS IN FITS  

CAUSE HE RUBBED THE  WHOLE JAR ON HIS A..

 

 

STELLA THE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER 

 

STELLA THE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

WAS DESPERATE TO HAVE GRUB INSIDE HER

SO SHE SAID TO HER MATE, CAN YOU FETCH ME A PLATE?

I WANT TO HAVE YOU FOR MY DINNER.

NOW STELLA THE SPIDERS A WIDOW

SHE WEEPS FOR THE LOSS OF HER FELLOW

THAT NIGHT SHE FELT GUILT, AS SHE PULLED UP HER QUILT

WHEN SHE FOUND HALF HIS HEAD ON HER PILLOW.

 

 

 

HALLOWEEN JEAN 

 

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN CALLED JEAN

WHO LIVED AND SHE BREATHED HALLOWEEN

SHE'S GOT THIRTEEN BLACK CATS, COLLECTS PICTURES OF BATS 

AND HER FACE IS A SHADE OF DARK GREEN.

 

THERE'S NO-ONE LIKE HALLOWEEN JEAN

SHE'S SURELY THE HALLOWEEN QUEEN

SHE LIVES EVERYDAY, THE HALLOWEEN WAY

WHEN YOU MEET HER YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.

 

HER HOME'S PAINTED ORANGE AND BLACK

IT'S SHAPED LIKE AN OLD WITCHES HAT

SHE FEASTS ON JUST PUMPKINS, WITH RAT FLAVOURED DUMPLINGS

WHICH SHE HAPPILY SCOFFS WITH HER CATS.

 

 

THE BALD WEREWOLF 

THERE WAS A OLD WEREWOLF NAMED JIM
WHO'S HAIR WAS INCREDIBLY THIN
THE LEGEND UNFOLDS BECAUSE HE WAS BALD
WHEN THE MOON LIGHT COMES UP HE STAYS IN.

 

 MARLON THE CLUMSY MUMMY 

MARLON THE CLUMSY GREAT MUMMY
HAD BANDAGES ALL OVER HIS TUMMY
HE'S GOT CUTS ON HIS LEGS & BUMPS ON HIS HEAD
AS HE NEVER SEE'S ANYTHING COMING.

HIS EYES WERE COMPLETELY BOTH COVERED
HAS A BODY THAT'S TOTALLY SMOTHERED
FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN SEE
IT'S NO WONDER HE BUMPS INTO OTHERS.

HE TRIPPED DOWN THE STAIRS AND HE FLIES
BUT NEVER WILL MEET HIS DEMISE
COZ MARLON'S ALL WRAPPED AND CUSHIONS THE CRASH
THANK HEAVENS THAT HE'S NOT ALIVE.

 

 

THE FANGTASTIC DAYS 

 

THERE WAS AN OLD VAMPIRE CALLED RAY

WHO'S TEETH HAD ALL ROTTED AWAY

SO HIS GIRLS MET THEIR DEATH BY HIS TERRIBLE BREATH

BEFORE HAVING HIS WICKED OLD WAY.

OLD RAY USED TO PROWL LATE AT NIGHT

HIS GUMS WERE A PITIFUL SIGHT

HE'D TRY NIBBLING A NECK & SAID FLIPPIN ECK

 I CAN'T EVEN BLOODY WELL BITE.

COULDN'T GET ANY BLOOD COULD OLD RAY

SO HIS BODY STARTS WASTING AWAY

THE PRINCE OF THE NIGHT SPENT HIS VERY LAST NIGHT

WITH DREAMS OF HIS FANGTASTIC DAYS.

 

 

FRED THE GHOST

 

THERE WAS AN OLD GHOST CALLED FRED

WHO HATED THE FACT HE WAS DEAD

IT CUT LIKE A KNIFE, WHEN HE SPIED ON HIS WIFE

TO SEE A NEW MAN IN HER BED

 

HE GOT SPOOKED WHEN HE SAW THEM TOGETHER

BUT CAN'T DO A THING WHATSOEVER

WHAT FRED HATES THE MOST, IS THE FACT HE'S A GHOST

BUT HE SWEARS HE WILL HAUNT THEM FOREVER

 

 

 THE DARK AND QUIRKY SECTION 

 

 

ELVIS & THE DEVIL 

"YOU'RE THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE" AND IM "ALL SHOOK UP"

LOOK HERE DEVIL "DON'T BE CRUEL" "IVE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN TO DO"

"DON'T" TAKE ME TO "THE PROMISED LAND" "I BEG OF YOU"

" I JUST CANT HELP BELIEVIN" THAT

"ITS NOW OR NEVER"

C'MON "TREAT ME NICE" I LIKE MY LIFE "TOO MUCH"

"I WAS THE ONE" STAYING AT "HEARTBREAK HOTEL"

THAT "ONE NIGHT" YOU SLEPT WITH "THE GIRL OF MY BEST FRIEND"

ITS BEEN "ALWAYS ON MY MIND" AS IT WAS MY

"LITTLE SISTER"

SHE WAS "THE LONG LEGGED GIRL WITH THE SHORT DRESS ON"

YOU SHARED "BURNING LOVE" WITH "JUDY" NOW SHE'S "A MESS OF BLUES"

BUT SHE'S ALSO A "HARD HEADED WOMAN" BUT ALSO A "FOOL"

"I FEEL SO BAD" TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE "WAY DOWN" ON MY LIST

"MY BOY" 

I NEED "A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION" AND "I WANT YOU, I NEED YOU"

TO TELL "A FOOL SUCH AS I" THAT "YOUR TIME HASN'T COME YET BABY"

BUT IF "MARIE'S THE NAME" OF YOUR LATEST FLAME" 

"WHERE DO I GO BUT TO THE LORD"

 

 

THE BLIND COWBOY

I JUST SHOT A MAN IN A BAR TODAY 
BECAUSE HE STOLE MY HORSE AND RODE AWAY 
NOW A MAN'S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN'S GOTTA DO 
DO I RUN AND HIDE OR KEEP MY PRIDE 

THE GUYS IN THE WEST ARE TOUGH YOU SEE 
YOU CAN'T TAKE A CHANCE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 
IT WAS ONE ON ONE AND THE STAKES WERE HIGH 
THEN HE RAISED HIS GUN, SO I LET FLY 

A BULLET PASSED THROUGH THIS CRAZY GUY 
BUT AS HE FELL TO THE FLOOR HE GAVE A SIGH 
YOURE THE FASTEST GUN IVE EVER SEEN 
AS HE SPOKE HIS LAST FEW WORDS TO ME 

HIS DYING WORDS WERE NOT FOR SEEN 
I'M AFRAID YOUR HORSE THEIF WAS NOT ME 
YOU'VE SHOT AN INNOCENT MAN I SWEAR 
AS THE GUY YOU SEEK SITS OVER THERE 

A BAD MISTAKE YOUR SURE TO HANG 
YOU TOO ARE A CONDEMNED MAN 
BUT THE SADDEST PART IS PLAIN TO SEE 
NOT EVERY ONES AS BLIND AS ME. 

 

 

 

CARETAKER AT THE WAXWORKS

 

A THOUSAND EYES ARE WATCHING ME

FUNNY THING IS NONE CAN SEE

THE SILENCE IS SPOOKY THE EYES ARE AWAKE

THEY FOLLOW ME AROUND MAKE NO MISTAKE.

 

SOME ARE DEAD, SOME ARE ALIVE

SOME ARE THE PAST, SOME STILL SURVIVE

NONE OF THEM BLINK, NONE OF THESE CLONES

DOWN AT THE WAXWORKS YOU'RE NEVER ALONE.

 

I MAKE MY WAY DOWN TO THE CHAMBER OF HORROR

I CLEAN THIS BIT QUICK LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW

WITH CRIPPEN, AND DAHMER AHEAD DOWN THE AISLE

I THINK THAT MY LUNCH CAN WAIT AWHILE.

 

SURROUNDED ALONE WITH EVIL KILLERS

MANSON, CHRISTIE, AND JACK THE RIPPER

THE CHAMBER AT NIGHT IS A CREEPY PLACE

EACH WAY THAT I TURN THERE'S AN EVIL FACE.

 

STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M HERE ALL ALONE

JUST ONE HOUR TO DO THEN IT'S HOME SWEET HOME

MY LAST JOB'S TO CLEAN THE DUNGEON FLOOR

IT'S TIME TO LOCK UP AND I RACE FOR THE DOOR.

 

2 TONE MADNESS  (A TRUE STORY) 

WE WENT TO SEE THE SPECIALS 
BUT ALL WE SAW WAS MADNESS 
THEY CAME WITH STANLEY KNIVES 
ALL THE KIDS RAN FOR THEIR LIVES. 

IT WAS HATFIELD POLYTECHIC 
IT WAS OVER SO QUICK 
BLOOD STAINS ON MY LOAFERS 
OUR 2 TONE DREAMS WERE OVER. 

WE WERE ALL ABOUT 16 
2 TONE WAS OUR DREAM 
WE COULD NOT BELIEVE OUR EYES 
INNOCENT KIDS HOSPITALISED. 

SELECTER PLAYED THEIR SET 
ON THIS NIGHT WE WON'T FORGET 
A FOGGY OCTOBER NIGHT 
THIS WAS MORE THAN JUST A FIGHT. 

HATRED FILLED THE AIR 
BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE 
WE WENT TO SEE THE SPECIALS 
BUT ALL WE SAW WAS MADNESS. 

 

 

 

MR POLTERGEIST

 

WHEN I COME HOME FROM WORK ITS ALWAYS THE SAME

TO SEE ALL MY THINGS ALL BROKEN AGAIN

THE PICTURES ON MY WALL HAVE ALL BEEN SMASHED

THE KITCHEN AND THE BATHROOM HAVE BOTH BEEN TRASHED

 

YOU'RE NOT VERY NICE MR POLTERGEIST

WHEN YOU MOVE MY THINGS AROUND EVERY NIGHT

FIXTURES & FITTINGS SCATTERED EVERYWHERE

YOU HAVE BECOME MY NEW NIGHTMARE

 

WHEN I'M PLAYING MY TUNES YOU START BUGGING ME

YOU SWITCH ALL THE CHANNELS WHEN I WATCH T.V.

THE LIGHTS GO OFF & THE LIGHTS GO ON 

SO WHAT ON EARTH DID I DO SO WRONG?

 

I WONDER IF I KNEW YOU BACK IN YOUR LIFETIME

DID I UPSET YOU? OR IF I CROSSED YOUR LINE?

IF THE ANSWERS "NO" COULD YOU PLEASE THINK TWICE

AND JUST BE NICE MR POLTERGEIST

 

 

WHEN IT'S TIME TO TUNE  TO RADIO 2 

IM GETTING OLD I'M IN DESPAIR 
IVE FOUND MY FIRST GREY PUBIC HAIR 
I'M FAST ASLEEP BY HALF PAST 10 
IM NEVER GONNA SEE MY TEENS AGAIN 

IT WONT BE LONG UNTIL IM GONE 
WHEN FATHER TIME WILL HAVE WON 
MY PIPE AND SLIPPERS WAIT FOR ME 
ITS, BINGO , CRIB AND CUPS OF TEA 

IM WEARING BEIGE, AND A CARDIGAN 
THE MUSICS HELL ON RADIO ONE 
I JUST THINK ABOUT VAPOUR RUBS 
SAGA MAGAZINES, AND BOWLING CLUBS 

I WANT TO LIVE TILL IM 99 
WHERE'S IT GONE, THIS LIFE OF MINE 
HOW CAN IT BE, THAT AT 43 
I THINK OF RETIREMENT BESIDE THE SEA 

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL HAS BEGUN 
THE MUSICS HELL ON RADIO ONE 
THE ONLY THING, THAT'S LEFT TO DO 
IS TO TUNE MY DIAL TO RADIO TWO. 

 

 

 

FRANKENSTEINS DATE

 

I'M FRANKENSTEINS MONSTER ALONE

NO-ONE WILL COME TO MY HOME

THEY SAY THAT I SCARE THEM TO DEATH

WITH MY SCARS & A BOLT THROUGH MY NECK

 

HOW COME I ALWAYS FEEL SAD

SURELY I DON'T LOOK THAT BAD

I'M DIFFRENT BUT ALSO I'M REAL

I THINK THAT I HAVE SEX APPEAL.

 

SO I DECIDED TO GO ON SOME DATES

IVE BOUGHT A NEW SUIT, I LOOK GREAT

BUT  THE GIRLS JUST TAKE ONE LOOK AT ME

THEN LEG IT AS FAST AS CAN BE.

 

WAS IT THE SUIT OR MY HAIR?

I DID PUT ON CLEAN UNDERWEAR

SO I GIVE OUT A SIGH AND A MOAN

IT'S ANOTHER NIGHT IN ON MY OWN.

 

 

 A MILLION GHOSTS 

 

 

WHERE DID ALL OUR DEAD SOULS GO, 

WHERE ARE ALL THOSE SPIRITS BRO,

HOW CAN IT BE THAT I NEVER SEE,

A GHOST OR TWO SURROUNDING ME.

 

WITH NO CLEAR PICTURES , NO CLEAR SIGNS, 

NOTHINGS PROVED TIME AFTER TIME,

ALL THOSE WARS WHERE PEOPLE FELL,

ALL THE DAMNED THAT ROAM IN HELL.

 

BUT WHERE THEY ARE HEAVEN KNOWS, 

OR THEY'RE IN A PLACE WHERE NO-ONE GOES,

A MILLION GHOSTS MUST BE NEAR,

A MILLION PEOPLE SWEAR THEY'RE HERE.

 

ALL THROUGH TIME WEVE WITNESSED NOISES,

SEEN OBJECTS MOVE AND HEARD STRANGE VOICES,

COME ON YOU SPIRITS, FRIEND OR FOE,

PROVE YOUR HERE AND SAY HELLO.

 

 

FATE OF THE MISSED TAXI

EYES ARE PEERING AT ME 
I'M WALKING HOME ALONE 
2AM IVE MISSED MY TAXI 
AND MY FRIENDS HAVE ALL GONE HOME 

I SEE HATE ALL AROUND ME 
MY BLOOD IS WHAT THEY CRAVE 
3 OR 4 WITH BASEBALL BATS 
THEY ALL SEEM OH SO BRAVE 

WHAT DO I DO? I DO NOT KNOW 
I KEEP MY HEAD SO VERY LOW 
THEY SNIGGER AND THEY SNEER 
AS THEY MOVE A LITTLE NEAR 

I DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE 
ALL I DID WAS GLANCE 
YOU STARED AT US THEY SAID 
AS THEIR BATS SMASHED IN MY HEAD 

MY PRIDES BEEN TORN AND TATTERED 
MY'S BODY'S BRUISED AND BATTERED 
BUT SOME DAY THEY WILL SEE 
THEIR DATE WITH DESTINY 

MY CRIME WAS BEING OUT 
WRONG TIME AND PLACE NO DOUBT 
BUT DO I WANT REVENGE 
WITH A FEUD THAT NEVER ENDS 

CAN THEY HOLD THEIR HEADS UP HIGH 
AS THEY LOOK UP TO THE SKY 
AND SAY WE DID ALRIGHT TONIGHT 
HE DID'NT EVEN TRY TO FIGHT 

THAT GUY WAS ALL ALONE 
AND ONLY WALKING HOME. 
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN OLD ME 
THAT MISSED THAT TAXI

 

 

 

SLIP INSIDE MY COFFIN

 

SLIP INSIDE MY COFFIN THERE'S LOADS OF ROOM INSIDE

IVE LOST A LOT WEIGHT SINCE MY UNFORTUNATE DEMISE

ITS A COSY LITTLE PLACE WITH PADDING ON THE WALLS

PERHAPS A LITTLE SMELLY  BUT I COULDN'T CARE AT ALL

 

DON'T NEED TO WASH, I NEVER FEEL ILL

IVE NO MORE PAIN AND NO MORE BILLS 

IT WAS AT FIRST  ALL CRAMPED AND GLOOMY

BUT AS TIME WENT ON IT BECAME MORE ROOMY

 

WHO EVER DID PUT THE DIE IN DIET

WAS COMPLETELY RIGHT YOU SHOULD TRY IT

THIS ONE ROOM FLAT WAS TOO SMALL FOR ONE

BUT NOW ITS LONELY SINCE MY WEIGHTS ALL GONE

 

SO HEAR MY PLEA  FOR A SKINNY LODGER

WE'LL SHARE MY FLAT WITH ONE ANOTHER

SO IF YOU NEED SOME PEACE  OR A PLACE TO HIDE

GET YOUR SPADE AND SLIP INSIDE

 

 

 THE TALE OF MR GRIM

 

THIS IS A TALE ABOUT MR GRIM,

THERE'S SOMETHING VERY ODD ABOUT HIM

 HE NEVER LAUGHS, HE DOSEN'T SMILE

HE WHINES AND MOANS ALL THE WHILE.

 

YOU CAN SAY HELLO BUT HE WON'T REPLY

JUST WALKS STRAIGHT ON AND GIVES A SIGH

HE GRUNTS & GROANS ALL NIGHT & ALL DAY

MR GRIM FEELS HAPPY THIS WAY.

 

HE HATES THE HEAT AND HATES THE WEATHER,

HATES ALL FAMILY GET TOGETHERS,

LOATHES ALL KIDS AND CAN'T BEAR CROWDS,

MAKING NOISE IS NOT ALLOWED.

 

HE LIVES ALONE CAUSE HE HATES BEING TOUCHED

HE DON'T LIKE ANYTHING VERY MUCH 

SPENDS HIS DAYS IN DOOM AND GLOOM

SITTING ALONE IN HIS COLD DAMP ROOM.

 

WE CAN'T PARK OUR CARS ANYWHERE

THE POLICE AND COUNCILS COULDN'T CARE

NO SPACE TO LIVE, NO SPACE TO DIE

ONLY ROOM LEFT NOW, IS IN THE SKY

 

THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS HUMAN RACE

TRYING TO LIVE IN A TINY PLACE 

THIS REALLY ANNOYS OLD MR GRIM

THERE'S PLENTY OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE HIM.

 GOOD MOURNING

"Good MOURNING everyone"

Said the undertakers son

"Im sorry but ive got bad news for you"

I've taken over dad, he's said he's through.

We've got some troubled times ahead 

And the parlours looking dead 

Its just too many people live too long 

The business isn't looking very strong.

We need some death, we need disease

As the company is on its knees

If all this living business dosent stop

Then were gonna lose the freaking lot.

Please help us God we need to make more cash

Just a few more deaths is all we ask

Maybe just a murder or perhaps a crash or two

Is really all we need to see us through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PALL-BEARER

 

HOW DO THEY MANAGE TO KEEP A STERN FACE 

 WITH TEARS AND EMOTION ALL OVER THE PLACE

THE STEELY EYES WHEN THEY CARRY A CASKET

IT'S A GREAT SKILL THAT THEIR ABLE TO MASTER

THERE'S GRIEF ALL AROUND BUT THEIR MINDS ALL STAY BLANK

IN TOP HATS AND CANES WITH COFFINS TO FLANK 

NO SNIGGERS OR SMILING WHEN DEATH US DO PART

THEY'VE GOT THIS OLD DYING RIGHT DOWN TO AN ART

IT MUST TAKE IT'S TOLL TO SEE DEATH EVERYWHERE

THOSE BODIES MUST BE IN ALL THEIR NIGHTMARES

MAYBE I'M WRONG AND AT THE END OF THEIR DAY

THEY PROBABLY HAD FUN AND JUST LAUGHED IT AWAY

 

 

 

 

THE STRANGER

 

 IT'S DARK AND ITS LATE AT NIGHT

 I'M ALONE HERE IN THE MOONLIGHT

I SAW A IMAGE AHEAD COMING NEAR

THEN SUDDENLY IT JUST DISAPPEARED

I JUST WANTED TO GET TO MY HOME 

 BUT I'M AFRAID I AM NOT ON MY OWN

I WAITED, I STOPPED, AND I STARED

I SHOUTED  "IS SOMEBODY THERE?"

THERE'S A STRANGER AHEAD I DON'T KNOW 

WHAT DO THEY WANT? WHERE DID HE GO?

HE'S WAITING FOR ME TO WALK PAST

MY HEART RATE STARTS TO BEAT FAST

I DECIDED TO FACE HIM, NOT RUN

BUT WHAT IF THE GUY HAS A GUN

MY LIFE'S ON THE LINE, IT CAN'T BE MY TIME

I WISH I WAS HOME WITH MY MUM.

THIS STRANGER IS JUST UP AHEAD

BAD THINGS SPIN AROUND IN MY HEAD

IV'E NO CHOICE BUT TO STAND UP AND FIGHT 

WITH A STRANGER IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT

MY FEARS THEY STARTED TO RISE

BUT I WAS IN FOR THE STRANGEST SURPRISE 

WHEN I WAS SURE HE WAS WAITING FOR ME 

THE STRANGER WAS TAKING A PEE.

 

PARANORMAL PAUL

POOR OLD PARANORMAL PAUL 

HE NEVER REALLY SLEPT AT ALL

DREAMS OF GHOSTS & THE LIVING DEAD

WAS ALL THAT SWIRLED AROUND PAUL'S HEAD

HE SPENT ALL HIS FINAL CRAZY DAYS 

JUST STANDING BY OLD EERIE GRAVES

FOR JUST A GLIMPSE OF SOMETHING SCARY

BUT POOR OLD PAUL WAS JUST A FAIRY

SOON AS TWILIGHT WOULD START TO COME 

POOR OLD PAUL WOULD START TO RUN

HIS PARANORMAL SPOOKY HOBBY

TOOK IT'S TOLL ON HIS OLD BODY

HE'D READ ABOUT SPIRITS WHEN ALL ALONE

HE'D SWORE THAT GHOSTS WERE IN HIS HOME

WITH NO ONE THERE HE COULD EVER CALL

WOULD CAUSE THE DEMISE OF PARA PAUL 

SHADOWS, NOISE, AND OF COURSE THE DARK

WITH PAUL IT LEFT A LASTING MARK

THE SCARY TALES IN EVERY BREATH

OLD PAUL HAD SCARED HIMSELF TO DEATH

CHILLING IN THE MORGUE

I'M RELAXING DOWN THE MORTUARY

I HAVE A FEW OLD FRIENDS WITH ME

MY WORRIES NOW I HAVEN'T ANY

IM JUST CHILLING IN THE MORGUE

LOST A DUEL WITH A MASSIVE TRUCK

I GUESS I JUST RAN OUT OF LUCK

NOW MY LIFE IS COOL AS F...

SO I'LL JUST CHILLOUT IN THE MORGUE

I CAME IN JUST 2 DAYS AGO

MAYBE 3 I DON'T KNOW

IVE A TAG UPON MY BIGGEST TOE

NOW I'M CHILLING IN THE MORGUE

ITS NOT SO BAD AS LIFE WAS HELL

I WASN'T FEELING VERY WELL

MY BODY HAD THIS ROTTEN SMELL

SO I HAVE TO CHILLOUT IN THE MORGE

WITH PROBLEMS GONE FOR NOW AT LEAST

I CAN NOW JUST REST IN PEACE

THINGS ARE COOL WHEN YOUR DECEASED

WHEN YOUR CHILLING IN THE MORGUE

WOLVES WAITING FOR HER 

MY LADY WENT AWAY 
SHE'S LEFT ME ALL ALONE 
SHE SAID SHE NEEDS SOME SPACE 
BUT I KNOW THAT SHE HAS GONE 
HOW DID IT ALL GO WRONG 

WE HAD A SILLY FIGHT 
OVER SOMETHING TRIVIAL 
SHE'S BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT 
SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT 

THERE'S WOLVES WAITING FOR HER 
THERE'S WOLVES PREYING ON HER 
THERE'S WOLVES WAITING OUT THERE 
THERE'S WOLVES EVERYWHERE 

WHO STOLE YOUR HEART AWAY 
WHO WAITS AROUND FOR YOU 
YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE 
I SHOULD HAVE RECOGNISED THE CLUES 

OH WHAT LOVELY EYES YOU HAVE 
OH WHAT LOVELY TEETH YOU HAVE 
COME WITH ME I'LL TAKE YOU AWAY 
I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE SO GREAT 

OH WHAT LOVELY CLOTHES YOU WEAR 
I LOVE THE COLOUR OF YOUR HAIR 
COME WITH ME I'LL TAKE YOU AWAY 
MAYBE YOU COULD LEAVE TODAY 

BUT THERE WILL COME A DAY 
WHEN SHE MEETS ANOTHER WOLF 
YOU'LL FIND SHE'S GONE 
THEN YOU'LL KNOW THE TRUTH 

 

HIS DEATH

"HELLO YOUNG MAN HOPE YOUR WELL"

HE SAID TO ME THAT DAY 

BUT LITTLE WOULD I KNOW, IN 10 MINUTES OR SO

HIS LIFE WOULD DRIFT AWAY. 

"BLOODY HELL HE JUST FELL"

THE FRIENDS OF HIS DID CRY

I HAD TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO

OR I'M SURE THIS MAN WILL DIE.

HIS EYES LAID STILL WITHOUT A FLICKER

HIS SKIN WAS PURPLE AND BLUE

I BREATHED FOR HIM, I PUMPED HIS CHEST

I SWEAR TO GOD I TRIED MY BEST.

HELP CAME LATE AS IT ALWAYS DOES

HE'D GONE I'M PRETTY SURE

I SAW HIS THINGS STILL IN HIS CAR

WHICH DISTURBED ME EVEN MORE.

I FELT SO SAD AND I FELT SO BAD

THAT HIS FAMILY NEVER KNEW

I DID ALL I COULD AND ALL THAT I SHOULD

ON THE DAY THAT DEATH TOOK YOU.

I SAW HIS LAST BREATH, ON THE DAY OF HIS DEATH

AS I STRUGGLED TO KEEP IT TOGETHER

HIS EYES STILL STARE AT ME IN THE NIGHT

IN DREAMS THAT LAST FOREVER.

CREEPY

BATS ARE CREEPY

 RATS ARE CREEPY

CATS ARE CREEPY TOO

ALL OUT IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT

THEY'RE EYES ARE WATCHING YOU

BIRDS ARE CREEPY

BUGS ARE CREEPY

TREES ARE CREEPY TOO

A WOOD THAT'S EMPTY'S ALSO CREEPY

WITH OWLS THAT T'WIT T'WOO

THUNDERS CREEPY

LIGHTNINGS CREEPY

WIND IS CREEPY TOO

THE LONELINESS OF OUTER SPACE

WOULD PUT THE CREEPS IN YOU

FOG IS CREEPY

MIST IS CREEPY

THE MOORS ARE CREEPY TOO

NOT KNOWING WHAT IS OUT THERE

CAN REALLY FRIGHTEN YOU

DOLLS ARE CREEPY

MASKS ARE CREEPY

CLOWNS ARE CREEPY TOO

I'M SURE YOU'VE GOT A HIDDEN FEAR

THAT PUTS THE CREEPS UP YOU.

THE GRAVEYARD ROBBERS 

 ALL DRESSED IN BLACK 

 SO THEY DON'T DISTRACT 

ANY PASSERS BY, 
WHAT THEY WANT WITH THE DEAD 
GOES AROUND MY HEAD 
AND I WONDER WHY. 

THE THUD OF THE SPADES 
AS THEY HIT THE GRAVES 
IS THE SOUND YOU'LL HEAR 
THESE SHADOWS IN THE NIGHT 
IN THE DIM MOONLIGHT 
HAVE NO FEAR. 

WHISPERS IN THE DARK 
AS THE BODIES EMBARK 
FROM THEIR GRISLY TOMBS 
THE CORPSES SMELL 
ADDS TO THE HELL 
AS THE NIGHTFALL LOOMS 

WHERE THE DEAD ONCE LAID 
IN THEIR PEACEFUL GRAVES 
ARE DISTURBED ONCE MORE, 
THE COFFINS SMASHED 
THE CONTENTS TRASHED 
IS WHAT I SAW. 

THERE'S NO R.I.P. 
IN THIS CEMETERY 
I HAVE THESE NIGHTMARES CONSTANTLY, 
OF THE GRAVEYARD ROBBERS.. 

DIGGING UP ME. 

FRIDAY THE 13TH 

IF A LITTLE BLACK CAT HAS CROSSED YOUR PATH 
YOU BETTER NOT DRIVE YOUR CAR TOO FAST 
YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH YOUR STEP ALL DAY 
AS SUPERSTITION FINDS A WAY 
DON'T DARE TO PICK YOUR MIRROR UP 
YOUR RISKING 7 YEARS BAD LUCK 
DON'T SPILL YOUR SALT AT LUNCH TODAY 
AS SUPERSTITION FINDS A WAY 
DON'T PUT NEW SHOES ON YOU TABLE 
UMBRELLAS INDOORS CAN PROVE FATAL 
THIS COULD BE YOUR FINAL DAY 
IF SUPERSTITION GETS ITS WAY. 
THE DAYS GONE QUICK AND YOU'VE SURVIVED 
ITS THANKS TO FATE THAT YOUR ALIVE 
YOU'VE MADE IT THROUGH TO SATURDAY 
NOW FRIDAYS JUST A MEMORY. 

HALLOWEEN 

SOMETHING'S WATCHING YOU THIS HALLOWEEN 
SOMEONES'S WATCHING YOU THIS HALLOWEEN 
LATE AT NIGHT DON'T CUT ACROSS THE PARK 
SOMEONE COULD BE WAITING IN THE DARK 

DON'T GO KNOCKING DOORS THIS HALLOWEEN 
IF YOU KNOCK ON DOORS THIS HALLOWEEN 
SCARING STRANGERS IN YOUR CREEPY MASKS 
YOUR TRICK OR TREATING GAMES MAY BE YOUR LAST 

GET A FRIGHT ON HALLOWEEN 
ON THIS NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN 
ANYTHING WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM 
ON THIS NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN 

DON'T GO OUT ALONE THIS HALLOWEEN 
WALK AROUND ALONE THIS HALLOWEEN 
TURN AROUND AND YOU MAY GET A FRIGHT 
SOMETHING EVILS LURKING IN THE NIGHT 

DON'T GO WATCHING FILMS LIKE HALLOWEEN 
IF YOU WATCH A FILM LIKE HALLOWEEN 
IT COULD SCARE YOU OUT OF YOUR WITS 
THEN HAUNT YOU ON THIS NIGHT OF THE WITCH

GHOST ON THE STAIRS 

THERE'S A GHOST ON THE STAIRS 
ITS JUST SITTING THERE 
IT SURE SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME 
AND NOW I DO BELIEVE THAT GHOSTS ARE A CERTAINTY 

I CAME HOME FROM A DO 
I'D HAD A DRINK OR TWO 
I JUST CANT BELIEVE MY EYES 
IT'S TOOK ME BY SURPRISE 

THIS SPIRIT THAT I SEE 
THAT STANDS IN FRONT OF ME 
HAS GIVEN ME A FRIGHT 
NOW HOW WILL I SLEEP TONIGHT 

NOW I SWEAR TO YOU, THAT I'D ONLY HAD A FEW 
I CAN'T BELIEVE I SEE, A GHOST IN FRONT OF ME 
IN GHOSTS 
NOW I DO BELIEVE.

I WAS WASHING UP THE DISHES 

 WHEN A FACE I COULD SEE 

LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW

STARING BACK AT ME.

I CHASED IT THROUGH THE GARDEN

IT WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH THE FENCE

THE FIGURE JUST VANISHED

WE NEVER MET AGAIN.

WAITING FOR THE HANGMAN 

I'M WAITING FOR THE HANGMAN 
I'M NOT SURE WHAT I'VE DONE 
I'VE SAID MY LAST GOODBYES 
TO EACH AND EVERYONE 

I'D HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK 
BACK IN 1892 
WHEN A NOBLE FELLOW SAID TO ME 
"I WANT A WORD WITH YOU" 

YOUR A DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDREL 
YOU NASTY DRUNKEN SWINE 
YOU'VE BEEN SNIFFING ROUND MY WOMAN 
YOU'VE OVERSTEPPED THE LINE 

I TOLD HIM HE WAS WRONG 
I BIFFED HIM ON THE NOSE 
HE FELL AND STRUCK HIS HEAD 
OR SO THE STORY GOES 

I WAS TAKEN BY THE LAW 
TO A DARK AND GLOOMY PLACE 
I WAS LAUGHING FOR A WHILE 
THEN THE BLOOD DRAINED FROM MY FACE 

I'M AFRAID THE BOUNDERS DEAD 
YOU'VE KILLED THE CHAP IT'S TRUE 
YOUR GOING TO FACE THE ROPE 
YOU STUPID DRUNKEN FOOL 

I WISH I COULD REMEMBER 
JUST WHAT ON EARTH I'D DONE 
BUT DEATH IS OUT THERE WAITING 
HE KNOW'S THAT HE HAS WON 

I'M SITTING IN THIS CELL 
THE CROWD AWAITS MY FATE 
I'M TAKEN BY THE HANGMAN 
TO A MOB THAT'S FULL OF HATE 

I'M BUNDLED TO THE GALLOWS 
BY THE GANG OF ANGRY MEN 
A HOOD'S RAMMED ON MY HEAD 
I'M NEVER SEEN AGAIN

THE MONSTERS BALL 

YOU'LL SEE BELA LUGOSI

AND CHRISTOPHER LEE STANDING AT THE BAR 

WITCHES AND GOBLINS

APPLE BOBBIN SHALL I TELL YOU WHERE WE ARE 
WHEN NIGHT TIME STARTS TO FALL,

DRACULA MAY CALL 
AT THE MONSTERS BALL 

ALL THOSE FREAKS THAT WE'LL MEET

WE'RE IN FOR A TREAT

I'M GONNA DOWN SOME WITCHES BREW 
I'LL GET THE ADDAMS FAMILY TO DANCE WITH ME & LERCH IS AFTER YOU 
WHEN NIGHT TIME STARTS TO FALL,

FRANKENSTEIN MIGHT CALL 
AT THE MONSTERS BALL 

DJ  WOLFMAN WILL PLAY THE HITS TILL DAWN 
BOBBY BORIS PICKET TAKES THE FLOOR 
WE CAN DANCE ALONG, TO ALL THOSE SPOOKY SONGS 
LETS HAVE THIS MONSTER PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG

 

IT WAS CHRISTOPHER LEE THAT FRIGHTENED ME 

I Was just 13 when my father let me, 
Watch hammer horror films on TV, 
Oh the werewolves, mummies, were never a worry, 
Or Frankenstein's monster, or the odd zombie, 

With those blood red eyes and those dripping fangs, 
There was this giant of a man, with shovel like hands, 
Forget Kruger, or the odd zombie, 
It was Christopher Lee that frightened me. 

I'd shut all the doors and shiver with fright, 
And stare at the window all through the night, 
I'd go to bed but i'd lie awake, 
With my piece of garlic, hammer and stake. 

That dripping blood and those eerie screams, 
Were sure to wreck my childhood dreams, 
Michael Myers didn't bother me, 
Or Jason, Karloff, or the odd zombie 

It was a giant of a bloke in a long black cloak 
With a rubber bat that looked a joke, 
So forget old Freddie, and Lugosi 
It was Christopher Lee that frightened me. 

JACK THE RIPPER 

Its grim its dark its very late, its London 1888 
The girls on the street are tempting fate, in Victorian London 
Their all out for business they dont really care 
They cant sense the evil waiting there. 
The stench of blood is in the air in the darkness of London 

Its a gloomy night in London Town 
No one seems to be around 
Annie heads for home 
But little does she know she's not alone. 

Mary's had a drink or two 
She's walking home she has no clue 
In the mist and fog he hides from you 
Her worst nightmare is coming true. 

THE DEVIL 

IF I EVER MEET UP WITH THE DEVIL THIS IS WHAT I'D SAY 
CAN YOU GIVE US BACK DIANA WE NEED HER HERE TODAY 
WHEN I NEXT MEET UP WITH THE DEVIL I WILL SAY TO HIM 
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE AWAY ELVIS HE'D UNSUNG SONGS TO SING. 

WHEN I'M FACE TO FACE WITH THE DEVIL I WILL ASK HIM WHY 
WHY HE HAD TO TAKE MY GRANDDAD BEFORE WE SAID GOODBYE 
WHEN MY TIME HAS COME WITH THE DEVIL I WILL BE SO BOLD 
TO ASK HIM FOR SOME REASONS BEFORE MY BODY LIES COLD. 

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE AWAY ELVIS? 
DO I REALLY NEED TO SAY THIS 
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE DIANA? 
WE ALL REALLY DO MISS HER. 

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY GRANDDAD 
SINCE EVERYDAY IV'E FELT SO SAD 
SO CAN YOU PUT YOUR HELL AWAY 
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. 

• PSYCHO

   

  THERE'S VACANCIES AT THE BATES MOTEL

  HE'S WAITING THERE FOR YOU

  WITH A BEEDY EYE ON HER NICE NEW DRESS

  HER END IS COMING SOON

   

  THE LADY THINKS THAT NORMANS A GENT

  AND ALL HE SAYS IS TRUE

  HE TAKES HER CASE TO ITS FINAL PLACE

  THEN LEADS HER TO HER DOOM.

   

  NORMAN BATES FULL OF HATE

  WATCHES FROM HIS PARLOUR

  NORMAN BATES SEE'S HIS BAIT

  BUT DIDN'T MEAN TO HARM HER

   

  HE WATCHED HER TAKING OFF HER DRESS

  HE THINKS ITS HIS MOTHERS SIZE

  HE WAITS TILL SHE'S HELPLESS BEFORE HE STRIKES

  TO CLAIM HIS FATAL PRIZE.

   

  THE DRESS IS JUST THE PERFECT GIFT

  IT FITS HIM LIKE NO OTHER

  HE CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS LADY'S DEATH

  SO BLAMES IT ON HIS MOTHER.

   

THE HUTTON CHURCHYARD GHOSTS

I THOUGHT OUR GANG WAS TOUGH

WHERE WE LIVED WAS ROUGH

FIGHTS AND TENSION, GANG WARFARE

POLICE AND SIRENS FILLED THE AIR.

US BOYS WOULD NEVER RUN

WE'D TAKE ON ANYONE

SOMETIMES WE'D LOSE, MOST WE WON

TEENAGE LADS JUST HAVING FUN.

WE LOVE'D THE THRILL OF FRIGHT

WE'D HANG OUT LATE AT NIGHT

WE PASSED THE TIME, DO PETTY CRIME

WE KNEW IT WASN'T RIGHT.

BUT ONE PLACE WE'D NOT DWELL

WAS A CHURCHYARD STRAIGHT FROM HELL

TALES OF GHOSTS AND EERIE NOISE

USED TO FREAK US HARD NOSED BOYS.

THE VILLAGERS AND LOCALS TALKED

THAT NO-ONE EVER WALKED

AROUND THE CHURCH AT 12 O CLOCK

AS ANYONE WOULD DIE OF SHOCK.

WE LADS WERE ALL SO TOUGH

A GRAVEYARD WOULD'NT FRIGHTEN US

WALKING ROUND A CHURCH AT NIGHT

C'MON LADS LETS DO IT RIGHT.

WHEN THE BELL STUCK 12 O CLOCK

WE ALL FROZE ON THE SPOT

WHAT WAS THIS THING THAT WAS'NT THERE

THAT GAVE US ALL, SUCH A SCARE.

NOW MUCH TIME HAS PAST 

BUT MEMORIES THEY DO LAST

AND WE COULD NEVER TELL 

IF WE'D WALK RIGHT INTO HELL.

STILL HAUNTS ME NOW AND THEN

WHEN I HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS AGAIN

OF THE THING THAT SCARED US MOST

WAS THE HUTTON CHURCHYARD GHOSTS.

 

 

BODY IN THE WOODS

 

IF ONLY TREES HAD EYES

THEY COULD SEE JUST WHAT WENT ON

IF ONLY BIRDS COULD TALK

THEY WOULD TELL US WHO DONE WRONG

 

HE LEFT HER BODY IN THE WOODS

LYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD

HER LITTLE DOG WAS PUZZLED

AS SHE LAY HELPLESS IN THE MUD

 

ON THIS FATEFUL DAY

WITH NO REASONS OR NO FEELINGS

HE STOLE HER LIFE AWAY

WITH NO MOTIVE OR NO MEANINGS

 

I SOMETIMES WALK RIGHT PAST THE SPOT

WHERE THE TREES HOLD ALL THE CLUES

IT MAKES ME THINK A LOT

OF THE PATHS THAT WE ALL CHOOSE

 

WHO KILLED HELEN BACK IN 87

IT'S JUST THE TREES AND THE BIRDS THAT KNEW

THIS TOWN STILL MOURNS AND GRIEVES

ABOUT THOSE THINGS HE DID TO YOU

 

 DEAD AND GONE

WE ALL FEAR THE UNKNOWN

WELL YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR OWN

ITS ALL OF OUR BIGGEST FEARS

IT'S BEEN PROVEN DOWN THE YEARS

HOW LONG WILL WE LIVE

HOW LONG TILL WE DIE 

WILL IT BE PAINFUL, WILL IT BE SLOW 

MAYBE WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

FATE WILL TELL US WHEN OUR TIME IS UP

THE DECISIONS WE MAKE, OR JUST BAD LUCK

WHAT'S HAPPENED BEFORE HAS PAVED OUR PATH

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

TURNING LEFT OR RIGHT CAN CHANGE OUR FATE

OR BEING EARLY OR BEING LATE

IT'S OUT THERE WAITING FOR ALL OF US

IT DOESN'T MATTER, SO THERE'S NO NEED TO FUSS.

WHO YOU LOVED, WHO YOU HATED

WHERE YOU WORKED, WHAT YOU CREATED

IF YOU'VE 1000 FRIENDS OR JUST ONE FRIEND

WE'LL ALL BE EQUALS AT THE END

IF YOU'RE HAPPY OR SAD, RICH OR POOR

THE UNKNOWNS WAITING FOR US ALL

IF YOU'RE CLEVER OR DUMB, BORING OR FUN

WE'RE ALL THE SAME WHEN WE'RE DEAD AND GONE.